by Mar De Carlo, founder of the International Parenting & Health Institute and Association of Professional Sleep Consultants
Many conventional sleep training methods focus on teaching children to sleep independently as early as possible, but this expectation does not align with biological, developmental, or cultural norms. Instead of forcing independence before a child is ready, teaching interdependence in sleep is a more natural, practical, and emotionally supportive approach that benefits both children and parents.
1️⃣ Sleep is a Natural Developmental Process, Not a Skill to Be “Trained”
✔️ Babies are born with the ability to sleep, but their sleep cycles are immature and require caregiver support to regulate.
✔️ Just as children gradually learn to walk, talk, and eat independently, sleep independence also develops over time—not through forced separation.
✔️ Interdependence means providing reassurance and support while allowing children to develop sleep confidence at their own pace.
💡 Why this is more practical:
✅ Instead of “training” a child to sleep alone too soon, interdependent sleep respects their natural growth and emotional security needs.
✅ Avoids unnecessary distress caused by sleep training methods that push separation before the child is ready.
2️⃣ Emotional Security Leads to Better Sleep Outcomes
✔️ Sleep is a vulnerable state, and children sleep best when they feel emotionally safe and connected to caregivers.
✔️ Children who experience secure attachment and responsive caregiving at bedtime develop stronger self-regulation skills over time.
✔️ Instead of resisting bedtime out of fear or loneliness, a child who feels safe will gradually sleep independently when they are ready.
📌 Example:
A child who is comforted when needed learns that sleep is a safe, positive experience, rather than one associated with isolation or distress.
💡 Why this is more practical:
✅ Leads to fewer nighttime wakings caused by anxiety or fear.
✅ Encourages healthy sleep habits that last into adulthood rather than needing to “retrain” sleep behaviors later on.
3️⃣ Sleep Confidence Grows Through Connection, Not Forced Separation
✔️ Sleep independence happens naturally when a child feels emotionally secure, not when they are forced into sleeping alone before they’re ready.
✔️ Co-regulation builds self-regulation—children first learn to calm their nervous system through their caregivers, and then they develop independent sleep confidence over time.
✔️ When children are pushed into sleep independence too soon, it can create long-term sleep struggles, anxiety, and resistance.
📌 Example:
A child who learns that their caregiver responds when needed will feel secure enough to sleep alone when they are developmentally ready.
💡 Why this is more practical:
✅ Reduces bedtime battles because the child knows they are supported.
✅ Helps children develop lifelong healthy sleep habits based on trust rather than fear.
4️⃣ Role Modeling Interdependence Benefits a Child’s Sleep Development
✔️ Children learn by example—if parents model interdependence, children see that sleep is a shared, supported experience, not an isolated one.
✔️ Even adults seek comfort when sleeping—whether it’s a partner, a cozy environment, or a feeling of safety. Expecting a young child to sleep alone while adults seek comfort from others is an unrealistic double standard.
✔️ Children thrive in environments where they feel safe and connected. Instead of treating sleep as an independent task, parents can role model how interdependence in sleep is natural.
📌 Example:
- In most cultures, family members share sleep spaces until children naturally grow into sleep independence.
- Adults role model sleep behaviors by practicing relaxation techniques, creating a calming bedtime routine, and showing that sleep is a positive experience.
💡 Why this is more practical:
✅ Helps children understand that sleep is a shared experience, not something to be feared.
✅ Encourages healthy emotional development by reinforcing trust and connection.
5️⃣ It Aligns with How Humans Have Slept for Thousands of Years
✔️ Historically and across cultures, co-sleeping and close caregiver proximity have been the norm for human sleep.
✔️ Sleep independence has only recently been emphasized in modern Western cultures, where early separation is prioritized.
✔️ Many cultures worldwide support a gradual transition to sleep independence, allowing children to develop sleep confidence over time.
📌 Example:
- In Japan, Latin America, and parts of Africa, it is common for children to sleep near their parents for many years, transitioning when they feel ready.
- In contrast, Western sleep training methods often force early independence, which may not align with biological sleep needs.
💡 Why this is more practical:
✅ Honors natural sleep instincts instead of forcing a rigid, unnatural approach.
✅ Works with a child’s biology rather than against it.
6️⃣ It Makes Parenting Easier & Reduces Sleep Battles
✔️ Many sleep struggles happen because children are expected to sleep independently too soon before they are emotionally ready.
✔️ Instead of fighting separation anxiety, parents can support their child’s needs, leading to fewer bedtime battles and more restful sleep for everyone.
✔️ Interdependent sleep allows parents to meet their child’s needs efficiently without spending hours trying to force a rigid sleep structure.
📌 Example:
Instead of a child crying for hours in a separate room, interdependent sleep allows for a calm, supported bedtime routine that works for both child and parent.
💡 Why this is more practical:
✅ Less stress and exhaustion for parents—children sleep better when they feel safe.
✅ More efficient sleep solutions rather than constant sleep regressions.
💡 Conclusion: Why Interdependent Sleep is the Best Long-Term Approach
✅ Sleep is not something children need to be “trained” to do—it is a natural process that develops over time.
✅ Supporting a child’s need for comfort leads to better sleep confidence and emotional well-being.
✅ Role modeling interdependence teaches children that sleep is safe and supported, rather than something they must struggle through alone.
✅ Children will naturally become more independent when they feel secure and ready, rather than when forced.
✅ Interdependent sleep reduces stress for both children and parents, leading to smoother bedtimes and healthier sleep habits.
By honoring interdependence in sleep, we respect a child’s natural development, reduce stress, and build a foundation for lifelong healthy sleep.
Learn more via my book Awakening Through Sleep
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